The past couple of months it’s been almost impossible to escape the dark clouds. It’s been raining bad news and death. As an only child who is mother to an only child, death crosses my mind more frequently than I care to entertain.
But I know how death operates. Whether he comes calm as still waters or with the raging force of a tornado, he shows up dressed the same.
Death is often rude and inconsiderate.
Uninvited and unannounced, he shows up when he pleases.
He closes the eyes of babies before they’ve had a chance to see the world.
He snatches mothers from the mouths of suckling babies.
He breaks the hearts of longtime lovers, leaving the one to pick up the pieces.
He whisks away breadwinners, just before the bread is served.
He interrupts plans.
He unlocks pain, confusion and misery.
Death is rude, I tell you.
Knowing the nature of death, it’s best to plan for his arrival. Planning for death is not something we like to talk about as Africans, but death comes whether we like it or not. It doesn’t wait till we’ve lived out the life that we plan to live.
Religion teaches us how to plan for life after death. We are comfortable talking about those plans. But we seldom plan for the ones that we leave behind.
I know how devastating an unplanned death can be. I have witnessed it in my personal and business life, and I have learnt that not planning for death can complicate the grieving process. For me, my most recent and poignant reminder came from the passing of a family member who was also a business partner. Although we were both in the legal field, we were both young and didn’t plan for death as we should have. We were family, but doing business with family can be just as complicated, even more so, as doing business with a stranger. More emotions are more involved when doing business with family. While I would say that the overall business experience was a positive learning experience, the fall out from my partner’s untimely death was ugly. He died without a will and we did not have a partnership agreement. In the end, I decided to cut my losses and walk away from a business that I had invested time and money in.
How about the children left behind? From my experience, family will not always do right by your children when you are not here. I have childhood friends who lost their fathers when they were very young. In true African fashion, their fathers had entrusted all their property to their brothers who they believed would take care of their wives and children if anything happened. These men were so close to their brothers that any suggestion that their brothers would not do right by their survivors would have been scoffed at. These were brothers who had been put through school by their deceased brothers, and the expectation was that they would judiciously manage the estate of the deceased for the benefit of the deceased’s survivors. Sadly, in these cases, that is not what happened. The wealth of the deceased was mismanaged and appropriated to the exclusion of the wife and children of the deceased.
I know many such stories in Nigeria. Different hues of this behaviour can be seen in other societies. The lesson is that we should all leave a legal paper trail to say unequivocally what our intentions are for our property and our dependent survivors after our death.
Grief and the possibility of acquiring property bring out the worst in some people.
You don’t have to be a millionaire to plan for death. If you have small children, what do you wish to happen to them when you die? How and where do you want to be buried? Do you have a legacy project you would like to continue? Who is listed as your next of kin in your official documents? Employment documents? Bank accounts? Do you have business dealings that your family should know about? Do you have assets that your family should know about? Are those assets in your name? If they are digital assets (e.g. cryptocurrency), have you given access to a trusted person?
Remember, grief steeped in conflict is a potent poison.
Think about these things, talk about them, make a plan. I know it’s a hard subject, but try. At the very least compile
May the souls of our dearly departed rest in peace. May we be gifted the years to live out our dreams. And may our departure, when the time comes, not leave our loved ones in confusion and strife. Amen.
